My mind is incredibly burdened as of late. I haven’t talked about this much, but I know part of what I am feeling is probably natural. Yet I’ve never really felt “up in the air” at any point of my 33 years. I’m generally a very focused, goal oriented girl. However, I’ve found myself doubting my ability to make sound decisions.
My biggest concerns are dating and school.
Let’s start with the dating. I have several potential suitors. I can nit pick something wrong with every single one of them. Frankly, I am not all that interested in dating. Yet at the same time, I am completely enamoured by the concept. I definitely don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I don’t really want to play the dating game; particularly since I have two boys to worry about. Let’s say, though, I could keep the two areas completely separate….is it really fair to the men or to me to not know exactly what I want? I know what a lot of people are thinking….it’s just dinner or a movie so what’s the harm? The harm is that I feel like no matter which way I turn, I’m making a poor choice. I like the attention, but I don’t really want to get involved…particularly when there’s emotional baggage involved (on either end of the spectrum).
Then there’s school. I’m a serial Master’s student. I took a LOA this term and I honestly didn’t plan on going back. I’ve had a whirlwind of things happen and it made it hard to focus on school. I could theoretically set aside time in the morning before work to do any assignments. The rational part of me dreads school. I’m a single mom now and I get tired easily. On the other hand, I just don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much without doing it. That’s not to say I haven’t. I was the first person in my family to finish high school and I was the first and only grandchild to finish college. I finished college with a 3.8 while working full time, being married, and raising kids. That says something about my very core. I’m driven to succeed. That drive, though, wears me out mentally. Mental exhaustion doesn’t help the physical exhaustion I often feel. Last night I went to bed at 8 pm. In my defense, I was coming off the stomach flu.
Then there is work. I should be looking for something that pays more than the $9 an hour I am making. I am a college graduate after all, but I know a guy at work (in the call center I work in) that has his BS in Engineering. He chooses to keep this job because it does pay out in bonuses. My adherence for the month is shot so that’s one bonus I won’t be getting. I should get some of my bonus for performance. I had a lot of instances I could have offered balance transfers to make money today, but I didn’t pursue it. I really don’t know why. The job is easy, the pay is decent, and it’s relatively stress free. Hell, today I had two guys tell me I must be beautiful from the sound of my voice. I have a calming effect on people when they hear me. Out of the six weeks I’ve been there I’ve only been yelled at once. That was today. To illustrate how simple my job is – I crochet between calls, have two coloring books, and two puzzle books. Ea.sy. I’m all for the low stress environment. I actually look forward to going to work every day. I don’t think many people can say that. There is room for advancement, but you don’t get as many bonuses and the pay is only .50 cents more per hour.
I owe it to my kids to make sound, informed decisions. Right now that stands as little to no dating, no school, and keeping my current job. Yet – here I sit double guessing decisions I haven’t even made. I prayed tonight (as I pray every night) and specifically asked for divine wisdom because I’m tired of thinking on my own. I need guidance and I really don’t have anyone that is going to say something other than, “It’s your decision.” I respect that it’s my decision….or decisions. Is it too much to ask for a little feedback?
On a lighter note, I plan on finishing the viking helmet this weekend.
Too Legit To Knit 